


Almost Out

by idharao



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-01
Updated: 2012-10-01
Packaged: 2017-11-15 09:50:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/525974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idharao/pseuds/idharao
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Olivia Benson stands up under 14 years on her shoulders.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Almost Out

_I'm a window -- I'm a crutch and I'm a living wage_  
 _I'm a coat and I'm a glove and I'm a turning page_  
 _I'm a sea wall rising up just to keep your houses dry_  
 _But I'm a-givin' way -- oh -- I'm a-givin' way_  
 _I'm a-givin' way -- oh -- I'm a-givin' way..._  
  
 _I'm the lowered eye -- that allows all arrogance to thrive_  
 _I'm the point of light -- that excuses all indifference_  
 _I'm the cold wind blowin' hard -- and the shelter warm as well_  
  
 _But I'm a-givin' way -- oh -- I'm a-givin' way_  
 _I'm a-givin' way -- oh -- I'm a-givin' way…_  
  
 _I'm the only shade in a thousand miles of sun_  
 _I'm the one left standing up when the battle is won_  
 _I'm the cry that reached your ears just before the deed was done_  
  
 _But I'm a giving way -- oh -- I'm a-givin' way_  
 _But I'm a giving way -- oh -- I'm a-givin' way_  
  
 _I'm a-givin' way…_  
  
    She misses him every, every day. It's an ache that she never quite adjusts to, like a piece of glass in her side, and she lives with the tears at the edge of her consciousness. That's a new thing for her, though she wonders if she's just been avoiding it for years, or if it's always been there. She doesn't know. She doesn't know anything anymore except that she has to keep waking up. She sees Amaro start to sink under the waves of the drama of his life, watches Rollins shine even brighter and wonders when she'll be usurped. Mostly she wonders when things are going to resolve themselves. She's exhausted.  
    Insofar as Olivia Benson allows herself to need a bastion, she lets Fin and Munch bear her up once in a while in the bar, one beer at a time. Most of the time she just exists with them and skims the surface of their humor and their talk that isn't related to work. She pours her whole self into work twice as hard as ever before because who wants an empty apartment when there are people to be helped? She doesn't let even Amanda's sisterly concern penetrate. The structure is standing and that's all that matters.  
    Sometimes she sleeps at the crib when she's been sitting awake in her bed for too many nights in a row. She really is tired, like a worn-out toddler, and she wishes she could cry her eyes out the way a small child does. But Olivia is nothing if not thorough, and so her self-control is masterly. Most of the time.  
    In her worst moments when she thinks she might never see him again she feels like a fool for ever having trusted him. Then she is doubly sad because she never wanted to feel anything but proud for anything she did with Elliot. Then in her better moments she thinks that they saved the world over and over and she can never, ever regret that.  
    And over the top of all of this constant shifting heartbreak there is the resounding impact of her beloved New York City, how it needs her. She can't decide still which she loves more, which Elliot always knew. She could always come home to her man so long as the place was in New York. She is tied to Manhattan by veins and arteries and memories that stick her feet to the pavement as firmly as her heart.  
    Can't have it all, she thinks once in a while. Sometimes it's bitter, sometimes it's philosophical, sometimes it's just in passing. So she wakes up every day.


End file.
